I have awakened in many different places. Some chilly, keeping my feet firmly aware that the season is not a friendly one. Some loud, where children are the main agent in awakening the household, whether by calling my name, peeling open my eyelids, or snuggling with me before making a loud chirping noise. Some exceedingly warm, so much so that I cannot bear to lay beneath the covers a moment longer and fall prey to an overindulgent sun.
Yesterday, I awoke in a city where I plan to stay. And the differences were not monumental, but inside me, things had changed. Gone was the tranquil slobbering of another dreamless night, or the knowledge that I will someday go back home. This will be my home from now on, and the loneliness that people talk about having after the fact crept in on me through my chilled toes and worked its way to the back of my neck.
I am not alone here, and yet I know that there will be times when I feel nothing but alone. And while I know that I am one who is easy to please, I am also quick to abandon all peace in favor of another’s company so I do not feel so dreadfully alone.
I took a photo yesterday of a sunset I experienced while clomping around through nature at a state park. I had not realized how beautifully serene the lack of urban streets could appear while I was nestled deep in the technological swarm of the Apple world.
I’ve begun and ended so many different catalogs of adventures, and so seldomn do I ever ache to speak to the world. I am happily confined to the written page and never needed anything other than the vague text post on tumblr, or a bubbling brook gif when I’m happy and a sad rainfall gif when I’m sad. It’s all I’ve ever needed to share with the world, and yet I feel like it’s time to stretch my legs and express in the here and now. I’m clearing my throat, I’m itching with wanderlust to begin anew, and I am definitely full to the brim with experience with which to unleash upon the world. A new world, as one would say.
I have lived 29 years and 52 weeks in the same city. Sure, I’ve traveled, both domestically and abroad, several times, but the fact of the matter is I am a one state resider, and always have been. I’ve had options to live in both Florida and New Mexico, to varying degrees of safety and sanity, and I’ve chosen to stay here, in the Midwest. It was easy for a little while. I fell in love, and moved out on my own, cleverly believing I had made it. I even exacerbated this feeling of complacency by graduating college and securing a job in the exact major I had sought. Life was good.
Until it wasn’t.
They don’t tell you what to do when “happily ever after” happens and then disappears within 1.5 years. Where are all the stories about that? What happens to someone who has every single thing they’ve ever wanted, and then it’s just gone one day?
So it’s taken me five years since that day to figure out that I needed to leave the safety and security of ever after, and try to make myself happy again. I am happy to say I have pulled things back together somewhat, and tied to me those I cannot do without, and suffer the pain of those who have cut themselves willingly from my ties.
What remains now is how I will deal with my newfound adventure. I am going to California with my better half, and together we will make ourselves look like the successes we want to see in the mirror.