And today looks to be a day of the aforementioned loneliness. Okay, so more like the week of being alone. I had a job interview that seemed like the real thing, and then bam, nothing. I am settling in the gorgeous area of Santa Clara, and my house has sold. There’s no turning back now.
I am looking forward, I am. It’s just hard not to feel my ears ringing with the thoughts of what I left behind.
Before you make a long distance move, you know a few things. You know that you’re going to cut ties. That you are going to leave a lot behind in the hopes that tomorrow will be even better. Even brighter. You know that you’ll have to prepare. To start anew, to say goodbye, to be alone.
You can know all these things. And still not know them at all.
The last few weeks before I left Indiana, there were several moments of “man, this will be the last time I. . .”. So I made sure to schedule many different activities to properly bid adieu to everything I knew. I hung out with friends, old and new. Multiple times, if possible. I made a point to reschedule my going away party so there could be one last rejoicing (or whining) about my impending move. To give those who had no time the time to say what they needed.
And yet it still didn’t seem like enough. I was still spinning around, hoping I had done enough to ensure everyone knew it wasn’t anything personal. That I would be available via Skype or email, and that I would do my best to update my Facebook as often as possible. I did everything I could do to make amends and say goodbye.
Except for someone.
I don’t know what ever possessed me to think I would have time to say goodbye since I barely had time to say hello, for two years. And now I sit, pondering and debating with myself whether I should write a message to this person to let them know where I now reside. To apologize and tell them it was not their fault that I let our connection fall by the wayside. That I was the one who ran and hid from them when the going got tough.
That I was the one who was the coward.
I am worried I will be haunted by this regret, as I have tried so hard to live my life without regrets. It took a lot of time, because I have a lot of regrets, but as of my birthday last year, I had done my best to honor that promise I made to myself. It’s a lot easier to make birthday resolutions, by the way. New Year’s Resolutions are programmed to fail, but birthdays? They loom over you for months, so before you let it expire, you grab onto those last few months and start living your life the way you wanted.
Or you find yourself another year older and back to square one.